While I was trawling through a ton and a half of ironing this afternoon, I felt an uncomfortable nausea grip me.
It took a while for me to identify the anxiety I felt as guilt.
I could hear Bob pottering about in the toy room, doing Bob things (licking his fingers, flicking through books and moving his toys about...and perfectly happy to do it)...and I had the intrusive, breath-stealing thought that "I should be doing something with him".
I have moments like these throughout the day...when I'm cooking, when I'm in the shower, when I'm helping Toad no.1 and no.2 with their homework...."I ought to be teaching him something".
The panic can be overwhelming.
I experience a sense of time passing, uncontrollably quickly, while I am powerlessly consumed by Other Things (the Damn Dailies, in Dr Phil-speak). There just isn't enough of me to evenly spread between three children, my lovely husband and a home to organise. That, and the awful fear that I am failing Bob. That I am not doing enough to make sure he eventually fulfills his potential.
I am not fishing for reassurances when I say this...I suspect many of us autie parents feel the same fear.
Now that Outreach is closed for a week I can no longer heave a relieved sigh, knowing that Bob is being taught very capably from Monday to Friday. Now the responsibility is squarely back on my wobbly shoulders.
And sometimes I just don't feel up to the job.
All I can do is love the little monkey with all my heart and hope that it's enough. I do a little ad hoc teaching when the occasion presents itself, but otherwise my therapy consists of hugs, kisses and mega cuddles on the sofa watching Dora (again).
I feel the fear, but resist the urge to rush down to the toy room, manacle him to the dining room table and bombard him with flash cards and ladybird books.
I resist because I know he is happy, so I finish the ironing.
It took a while for me to identify the anxiety I felt as guilt.
I could hear Bob pottering about in the toy room, doing Bob things (licking his fingers, flicking through books and moving his toys about...and perfectly happy to do it)...and I had the intrusive, breath-stealing thought that "I should be doing something with him".
I have moments like these throughout the day...when I'm cooking, when I'm in the shower, when I'm helping Toad no.1 and no.2 with their homework...."I ought to be teaching him something".
The panic can be overwhelming.
I experience a sense of time passing, uncontrollably quickly, while I am powerlessly consumed by Other Things (the Damn Dailies, in Dr Phil-speak). There just isn't enough of me to evenly spread between three children, my lovely husband and a home to organise. That, and the awful fear that I am failing Bob. That I am not doing enough to make sure he eventually fulfills his potential.
I am not fishing for reassurances when I say this...I suspect many of us autie parents feel the same fear.
Now that Outreach is closed for a week I can no longer heave a relieved sigh, knowing that Bob is being taught very capably from Monday to Friday. Now the responsibility is squarely back on my wobbly shoulders.And sometimes I just don't feel up to the job.
All I can do is love the little monkey with all my heart and hope that it's enough. I do a little ad hoc teaching when the occasion presents itself, but otherwise my therapy consists of hugs, kisses and mega cuddles on the sofa watching Dora (again).
I feel the fear, but resist the urge to rush down to the toy room, manacle him to the dining room table and bombard him with flash cards and ladybird books.
I resist because I know he is happy, so I finish the ironing.
Brilliant brilliant blog as always, you have hit the nail on the head, that is exactly how I feel too, I feel guilty when I can't give him as much slt and ot as I know he needs but financially is impossible to provide so I console myself with giving half a hour of it at home every day and wondering if I am doing more harm than good. But then he is happy being left to his own devices and that has to be good for him too and me, it eases the overwhelming feeling of needing to control everything to do with him, he needs to be a child and I need to let him be that child. Its hard to strike the right balance but we work it out between us:) xxx
ReplyDeleteAndra
Hey Jean, feel like that all the time, not content at all to leave the Doc playing by himself. The only time I can catch up on housework is either when he is in bed or when P is playing with him.
ReplyDeleteI'm actually becoming psychotic about it, it's like if I'm not constantly doing things with him I fell I'm letting him down.
But he is happy playing away so ok to let him play by himself some of the time.
Well I think watching Dora together counts as teaching time. You can refer to Dora all day long and know what you are talking about. And if you have a DVR - or video of Dora, pause it and prompt him to say the next bit.
ReplyDeleteparents have to be parents- teachers get to be teachers. Better if it doesnt blur.
Having said that, if it's possible to get someone else to do the ironing, do it. Use the Autism Force Luke - cant iron, must do flash cards!! xx
thanks girlies! I'm really not on a downer (honest guv!), and most of the time I'm fine...it's just now and again that horrible feeling sneaks up on me.
ReplyDeleteI know I'm not failing Bob....I just don't feel it sometimes (catch me on oprah next week...watch out sofa!!)
PML Lisa...I would do ANYTHING James Earl Jones told me to xxx
Pointedly poignant for me today.
ReplyDeleteThanks :)
I just had a coversation with our ABA Tutor on Thursday because I have "new" guilt. Now that himself has PECS he is much more independent and not dragging out of me all day, head banging etc and now I feel guilty that I am not spending enough time with him as he likes to play on his own bit. Go figure!! I know exactly where you are coming from Jean, every time I do the washing up or something else as stupidly mundane, I think I am taking learning time away from himself. It good to see most of us feel like that, now I won't have to take that psycho test lol. Thanks. J
ReplyDeleteI just bawled reading this post. I too feel the guilt of not giving Munchkin enough of my time and feel like I should be constantly filling her day teaching her new things. Add on the guilt at feeling relieved that someone else was now responsible for teaching her, who was now in charge of the flashcards, the timers, the tasks and the data keeping and I'm a blubbering mess of guilt! I did so much teaching in the earlier days that I burnt out :( Now I have to put my role as mum first but its amazing how you can disguise OT and desensitisation in the guise of rough and tumble, tickles and big squeezy cuddles! We do keep "teaching" even when we don't realise it chick and sometimes, a little time playing by themselves is ok. We just have to keep reminding ourselves of that xxx
ReplyDeleteResist the guilt. You are brilliant with all three toads and sometimes a kid needs to play by himself no matter whether he has special needs or not!
ReplyDelete