The trouble with alcohol is that it isn't honest. It covers up who I really am, and makes me feel like 2lbs of shit in a 1lb bag the next morning. Parties and social nights out terrify me and I need to start saying "I'm sorry I won't go because I feel horribly uncomfortable at them...it's nothing personal", instead of dragging my quaking butt to the bar and drinking until the fear passes.
difficult Difficult is), by 4pm I'm texting Bob's Dad to swing home via the offie. Then I can survive 'til 10pm that night knowing that later on I can sit an relax with my old pal.
The odd glass of wine was always lovely, and that first sip is the heavenly moment when the day's stresses melt away.
Since Bob was diagnosed with Autism, and I gave up my job (which I loved, but which was impossible for me to sustain), I spend my days cleaning up poo, pee and puke (as he enjoys eating non-food items like aeroboard and books). My life has become a treadmill of speech therapy, occupational therapy, TEACCH, ABA, PECS, constantly locking doors and gates as Bob is a bolter etc etc etc. The list is endless. This isn't a pity party, or an excuse for looking for tranquility at the bottom of a wine bottle, but when I take a step back from the exhausting chaos of my life, I can see why the odd glass of wine has snowballed into half a bottle every night.
My image of an alcoholic is someone swigging out of a brown paper bag in a railway station with pee stains down his trousers. Or a wife-beating bully who would see his kids without shoes before going without his whiskey. It's not an ordinary autie mammy who can function perfectly well without a swig of vodka to settle the shakes in the morning...it's just that the crutch I've been leaning on is starting to lean on me.
I don't know if I'm an alcoholic, but I do know I need to stop and that I'll really miss it.
I'm afraid of how I'll cope when every fibre of my being is convulsed with tension, or when the the constant autie newsreel in my head just won't stop.
I hope I will have the strength to find other ways of dealing with that.