Saturday, February 20, 2010
Would The Real Slim Shady Please Stand Up??
OK, so it's possible that I don't have his talent, his fortune or his penchant for stacked shoes and velvet jackets (although I do love purple...see we have loads in common)...
...but there is some common ground between myself and His Preening Purpleness.
We have both undergone dramatic identity shifts in which we continue to look and sound the same, but what motivates us has changed to the point of being unrecognisable to our Former Selves.
Sadly, I didn't get to write albums and throw magnificent tantrums (I still haven't forgiven him for cancelling his Dublin gig). Instead I was soundly squished like a bug ( a fabulously glamarous LadyBug, of course) by the Autism SuperTanker, and while I lay in an sticky splat of grief on the road I had a rather pressing decision to make.
I had to either get up, reapply my mascara and whup some Autism Ass...or I could lie in my pool of self-pity and wait for the next truck to come along.
Oh Gawd, enough already with the motorway metaphors. I sound like a hungover Jeremy Clarkson.
So of course I got up.
I slept, ate, drank and dreamt Autism. I immersed myself in the latest research and flooded my thoughts with causes, theories, treatments and options.
I consumed Autism, and it consumed me.
Today, while I was tidying up, I was listening to Prince (sorry, Squiggle) belt out Let's Go Crazy and I had one of those thunderclap moments. It was profound enough to make me put my mop down and have a cup of tea.
I thought "if Bob suddenly became non-autisitc, who would I be???"
What would I talk about, think about, read about?
Autism has become so deeply embedded in my psyche that I can't separate myself from it.
I'm not saying this is a bad thing. It is what it is, and I need to be this way to help Bob be all that he is capable of becoming.
It's just so vastly different to the person I may have been otherwise. It is entirely possible that I'm a better, stronger person because of Bob's Autism...but we'll never know.
I just don't want to vanish beneath the endless folds of Autism that envelope me.
I can't seem to read books anymore, and I used to chew novels up for breakfast and spit them out by teatime.
I find myself steering each conversation I have back to Autism, even if the original subject was global warming, or lipstick.
I speed read the papers, searching for the word Autism, and only then will I focus enough to read the entire article.
I think it's time to reclaim who I am...to get a little more balance in my life.
I think I may write myself a prescription for some Selfish Tablets, and if that involves time out for some exercise, shopping and the odd facial then so be it. I already have the full support of Bob's Dad, so the only thing stopping me is the feeling of being rooted to the ground by autistic superglue.
I could live with changing that.