Saturday, June 12, 2010

Anger Is An Energy

My thought processes are so slow that I reckon I'll have everything figured out just about 30 seconds before I die.
The wheels and cogs in my lumbering old turtle brain have presented me with a new idea.
It took months (gawd, maybe years) to get to this point, so be patient while I explain myself.

As I have talked about a few times in this blog, I am prone to bouts of depression, and even though I'm on medication I still have the occasional dip.
It's no party, but it doesn't frighten me anymore because I know what it is and I trust that it will pass.

So about a week ago my mental health was ably assisted into the doldrums courtesy of the following precipitating factors;

(1) I forgot to take my prozac one day (oops...but hey, I am mad)
(2) Bob was discovered over a mile away from home on a determined trajectory towards his uncle's house (which is 10 miles away!!!)...he was within spitting distance from the Dublin-Derry road
(3) Mother Nature doesn't seem to check her in-box...if she is reading I have finished having children so PMS is superfluous to my needs thank you very much.  
I don't think the cranky old biddy cares though.

So in the post I received a lovely bouquet of lethargy, tearfulness and self-loathing from the mean spirited Mother Nature.
I was a laugh a minute.

 I recalled often reading that depression is anger "turned inwards" and I scoffed at the notion of having the energy to feel anything more taxing than faint irritability.  I could barely get dressed, never mind hurl the denby against the wall.

But as my medication kicked in, my hormones levelled out and Bob was garrisoned even more securely, I began to feel a tickle of rage.

Normally I distract myself from this anger by manically cleaning, or turning the stereo up to 11.
But this time I allowed myself to feel the rage.

You know when you drive over a bump in the road too fast and your stomach turns gymnastic flip-flops, and you're unsure if you're excited or terrified?  Well, that's pretty much what my anger feels like.

I am outraged that despite turning our home into Alcatraz, punctuating our days with endless locking and unlocking of doors and gates, and constant checks on Bob's whereabouts that he still managed to outfox us.  I want to be angry with Bob  and to let fly at him over the terror he put us through, but he's autistic and that's what autie kids do.  So I can't be mad with him.

Spouses tend to be the first in the line of fire, so I want to scream at my husband that it's all his fault.
But he's the one who fenced in a play-yard for Bob and screwed bolts on the gates, and nailed chicken wire to the garden fence and gate to stop Bob clambering through them.  Bob's autism and bolts for freedom are not his fault, so it would be grossly unfair to be angry with James, who is an ace husband and dad.

So that just leaves me to be mad with.
And suddenly the anger-depression  relationship actually means something to me.

I'm not sure yet how to channel this anger, but I recognise that it could actually be used positively, instead of allowed to burrow deep within me and eat me from the inside out.
I'll have to get my thinking cap on about that one.


  1. I get angry with fate, jeanie. And that does me no good whatsoever, cos fate doesn't seem to be a whole lot interested in arguing with me! So instead I eat chocolate and cake! Then I get angry with myself for being a greedy cow! So, I eat more chocolate and cake.....

  2. I never would have believed that anyone could write about depression in an entertaining way, but you manage it! So glad that Bob was found safe and sound: it was always one of my biggest fears that one of my children would be 'lost', but I don't have autism to worry about and aspie boy is no longer a 'bolter'. I get angry with a certain person but learned years ago that expressing it was of no use, so now I get angry with myself, mainly when I fail to stay calm xx

  3. @ Taz, Fate is pretty Stalinist like that. I tend to indulge in red wine instead of chocolate, but you're absolutely doesn't make you feel any better afterwards
    @ Blue Sky, it was horrible when he vanished. We really need to think about a 'healthier' way to deal with our anger...maybe kickboxing, eh?? XXX

  4. I'd say turn your stereo up to at least 11 and DANCE like your life depended on it but your neighbours would either call social services or ask to join in (not sure which one worse!!) or run or go to the gym and really go for it and tell your guilty conscience to FUCK OFF, because you don't deserve it and because you are an excellent mother and the best big sister I could ever wish for. Love you more than any words could ever describe. Don't be so hard on yourself.......Crazee Ladee . MaryXXXXXXXXX

  5. @ Mary, you call ME crazy????...pot and ya too smelly XXX

  6. That's me who says anger is depression turned outwards. I quote Tony Soprano but I am not suggesting you pop someone and hide their body in the forest, yet.

    I tend to look for what aspect of beauracratic inadequacy has denied my kids the skills they need to understand - not running away? And then point my keyboard and telephone at them until they succumb to my will. But kicking them in the head sounds good too..

    Ps. If I go off, it will be in an orange jumpsuit with "woman on the edge" in sequins on the back, and on the steps of the Ministry. xx

  7. When you find out could you let me know please. I'm beginning to feel like I have entered some kind of despressive state and really need to talk to my doctor about it. I'm miserable, constantly fed up and sometimes feel like a time bomb just waiting in the wings.

    CJ xx

  8. @ hammie, Tony made a lot of sense!
    @ CJ, I would really encourage you to go and see your GP. Life's just too short to endure depression. When I find all the Answers I'm gonna write a book and retire to the Maldives lol XXX

  9. Brave post yet again jeanie and I love you for taking the bull by the horns and writing about it. I get angry at the unfairness of it all but it does me no good at all. Xxx

  10. @ Andra, thanks for that. I don't feel brave at all to write about depression, it's just kinda in front of me. It IS outrageous how unfair life can be sometimes, but I guess I hope to harness this anger and use it to run a marathon (in another lifetime!!) or set the world alight. XXX

  11. The bolting is so scary. We had an incident recently and, like Bob, it wasn't HRH's fault, he was just doing what we always do but not waiting for the rest of us. I nearly lost my reason with fright. I also do what Taz does and EAT. If there is no chocolate around then cardboard would do nicely! Kickboxing sounds good, but either dancing around like mad at home or buying a punch bag is probably safer in the earlier days, one we have some pretence at control THEN we can go public? Jen xxx

  12. @ Jen, It's really awful when they go, isn't it? I might have to avoid kickboxing in case I get done for GBH lol XXX

  13. Jean, If you ever manage to express your anger and use it we will have to warn NATO...

  14. @ Alison, they'll probably send me to Afghanistan to kick the Taliban's

  15. As this was about depression I wasn't quite ready to read this Jean. I have a guilty relationship with depression...guilty cos my mam is bi-polar and sometimes I blame her. Awful I know but I can't help it...however there is definitely a manipulative streak with her.

    I think this is a brave post and I thank you for gives me some understanding. So glad you found Bob before he went too far. Oh, and I like your sister's advice!! xx Jazzy

  16. Jean my heart goes out to you an escapee is the worst kind of hell a mum can go through. I have all the neighbours on watchout duty they very good at spotting kyle on the run at this stage.

  17. ps jean highly reccommend the marina coil for the pms had it last year and haven't looked back. mother nature hasn't caught on yet but i be waiting for her with the kick boxing if she does.

  18. @ Jazzy, it's funny I'm like that with alcoholism and domestic violence...i def have to have my most robust armour on when reading about that...and yep, mary's advice is great
    @ Breda, neighbourhood watch rocks!

  19. Great post Jean! I wondered why among the selection of cancer, ASD and career crash it was the last (and most insignificant) one that drove me bitter, but I think I got to the answer - I can put the blame on people, not abstracts like fate or genes. For a while I thought the anger will eat me up, and still have the occasional dark night of the soul, but you know what? We shall overcome!

  20. @ truf, we certainly shall! XXX

  21. 'manically cleaning' What I wouldn't give to be a manic cleaner. I'd nearly opt for the depression just to have the clean house...

  22. @ mags...y'know it IS almost worth it! XXX

  23. I hope you find a way to channel it.
    Love how you wrote this post :)