Friday, August 20, 2010

The Scales of Injustice

Who invented the bathroom scales?
Surely they are the work of an evil genius.
I imagine he was cackling madly to himself when he secreted an invisible gremlin to stubbornly hold the dial oh,  about a stone, above where I want it to be.
He infiltrated the scales with the most heinous of human qualities.
My weighing scales mock me.

My scales instinctively know that I am a wine guzzling, chocoholic lardass.
But I have a complicated relationship with it.
It is the despised, angry teacher that I desperately want to please.

I abhor waste, and will hoover up the remains on my children's dinner plates, smug in the knowledge that I am averting some global catastrophe by doing so.
Shockingly, the only thing going global is my girth.

It appears, though,  that my weight issues are being book-ended by demanding men.
(are there any other kind???...oops...did I say that out loud???)
On one hand there is the seductive, but malevolent,  temptation  to hide the scales in a drawer and comfortably relax into my cosy folds.
On the other, there is my gym instructor who I thought was really nice until he upgraded my exercise programme from  smugly manageable to sudden cardiac arrest. (These are real levels of fitness they teach them in sadist gym instructor school).
I feel like a pawn in a giant apocalyptic chess game between good and evil.
Or maybe I'm over-estimating the importance of my fat arse.

In order to restore balance in the universe I have committed the ultimate sacrifice.
Not, temptingly, of sending my children to all-year-round boarding school...but I have exchanged the wine and chocolate for my Reeboks.
So far I have lost the princely sum of one whole pound.
But luckily it's not about weight loss anymore, which is fortunate as the whole episode may have resulted in a scales-shaped hole being punctured through my bathroom wall.
I just feel better.

And my turbo-charged Autie Kid who can sprint from nought to ninety in a heartbeat had better watch out.  Mammy is catching up


  1. Oh jeanie! Thank you for making me laugh on a wet and miserable morning!! My only concern is that if you are a "wine guzzling, chocoholic lardass" what does that make me?????? My scales has been pushed to the furthest recesses of under the bed, where it shouts abuse at me every now and then! fair play missus - maybe one day i'll be brave and tackle a gym, but now I'm off for another cup of tea and a doughnut....

  2. I am really needing to lose some weight too, hard though as I have a really dodgy knee (ops out randomly with the stupid things) so I need to be really careful. I am so terrified it'll pop out that I don't do enough exercise. :(

  3. My scales are actually broken....I swear. Here's hoping you stay one step ahead of Bob. Sure those Reeboks will help :)

  4. Jean, brilliant, do the Reeboks have pockets to stash chocolate? If so, send me a pair!
    Loved this post and wish you luck fighting the evil scales, great pics too. Bx

  5. @ Taz, haha. I'm lucky I really like the gym, otherwise I just wouldn't stick with it.
    @ Marylin, it gets complicated to keep fit when you have an injury. Maybe you could consider swimming, yoga or pilates?
    @ Blue Sky, you've driven off the Imp in your scales! Well done!!
    @ Brigid, you've planted a wicked image in my I want hollow runners

  6. You're so funny, imp of the devil...spat my mouth full of tea everywhere. x

  7. @ alienhippy, hope your pc likes tea XXX

  8. my scales squeals in pain when I step on it, not wanting to hurt the poor scales I don't do it lol.

  9. Love it Jean.. when I say the word exercise I immediately wash my mouth out.. usually with chocolate cake !!

  10. Jean, I didn't even want to read this when I saw the title. I wanted to hide it away along with my scales that I steadfastly refuse to even acknowledge exists. This week.

    Of course, curiosity got the better of me and I had to read it...'cos I knew you'd make me laugh...and feel not so alone!

    I was doing well too until this week. After hols...THAT's the week I'll tackle it all!

    xx Jazzy

  11. @ Jen, the scales deserves pain!
    @ Our Sue, choc cake is miles better than soap
    @ Jazzy, my goal is to laugh in the face of tragedy!

  12. Scales is a dirty word in this house lol, it glares at me in the bathroom and almost dares me to tempt fate to put my rapidly increasing lard ass on it! Only scales I like are the ones for weighing out cake ingredients :)

  13. Jean you are hilarious! I had a set of scales, but Max loved them. He thought the very best thing was to jump up and down on them. As a result, they no longer lie. They just don't say anything. Which is the best.

  14. Lol @ Sandrine... I must get Munchkin to jump up and down on mine to fix the smug grin I imagine it has every time I stand up on it... Great post again Jeanie and I'm fully supportive of the "keep fit to keep up with our human dynamos" program :) xx

  15. @ James, back atcha dude
    @ Andra, I'm liking your scales
    @ Sandrine, silence is golden
    @ Petunia, catching up with the Little Dears is quite a motivator