We are taught to view their supposed lack of social empathy as a Bad Thing.
Many of us are locked in an endless battle with our kids to extinguish undesirable behaviours that make life difficult, embarrassing or inconvenient for us, but which the child themselves have no issue with.
But to what end?
Why do we accept that we are supposed to train them, like little performing seals, to tick boxes on a psychology chart?
It shouldn't even occur to me to want to change his behaviour just because it makes me uncomfortable, and because I want him to be more like other kids.
It's actually deeply disrespectful of who he is.
He has no qualms about thrashing about like a small (but ridiculously handsome) rhino when he feels caged in a situation that he's unhappy in.
My initial reaction to this is sometimes embarrassment, but mostly I just wish I could express myself as freely. I have wasted so many hours of my life being bored into a coma at mandatory social occasions, and it would be wonderful to throw a tantrum and to scream "screw you, I'm outta here!!!".
And maybe to strip off while I'm at it.
Also, it's a bit rich that I'm teaching Bob how to be "socially appropriate" when I bolt for cover at the mere whisper of a party ...and when I've just replaced my perfectly respectable hallway light with a creation that can only be described as a purple, glittery disco-ball (1970's, how are ya?).
I could teach Elton John a thing or two about left of centre garishness, but that's who I am and I feel free to express myself in my own home.
Bob is allowed to do the same.
But it occurred to me that this lack of social awareness could be a gift that allows the child to focus on what's really important, without being imprisoned by worries about what the neighbours think.
That's the X Factor that has allowed scientists to shine fiercely and artists to produce magnificent masterpieces.
They simply weren't concerned with who complied with what social rule.
They just got on with what they were good at.
By interfering with Bob's Happy Place, I could very well be damaging his development.
So I don't do it.
That's not to say he has a free rein to engage in whatever behaviour pleases him whenever he feels the urge...I may be the youngest hippie in town, but I also don't want to spend my pension fund bailing him out of prison for lewd behaviour.
And he is made to do his homework under strenuous protest, because he is bursting with potential and I would be letting him down by not pressing his gorgeous little nose to the educational grindstone.
So I won't throw stones about not getting the social appropriateness thing.
I'm living in a creaky old glasshouse of my own, but it has a really funky hallway light so I like it fine the way it is.
.
Totally agree with you Jean! Ive been feeling the same way lately why do we do this day in day out!
ReplyDeleteOur little men should be able to express themselves xxx
You've hit the nail on the head here. Since Nipper's diagnosis (still a 'preliminary' one at present) I've been having a really tough time in trying to work out what I should be doing for him and how to 'make' him like all the other kids. But he's quite happy how he is. Why am I trying to fit a round peg into a square hole? I agree that he can't be allowed to do everything that he wants, and he will have to learn a certain amount of social etiquette for want of a better description, but I need to allow him to be himself. This is a great post.
ReplyDeleteI can so relate to this. I think that I feel pressure to give my daughter all of the opportunities and support to develop her social skills while she is so young. Especially since she seems to love other kids and people in general, but just doesn't know how it all works. I'm with you though...I'm not exactly miss social butterfly. Maybe when they get older they can teach us how to drop the social artifice and tell everyone where to go!
ReplyDeleteVEEEEERY well said!
ReplyDelete*high five*
@LAWKI, hear hear
ReplyDelete@ Tilly,I often think we're just creating problems when there are no problems
@ Lynn, we can be grumpy old women together
@ Jillsmo, back atcha
XXX
I totally agree with you. I don't force the issue with Griffin either and let him take things at his own pace as I am sure that if I didn't respect that part of him then I would be bailing him out of prison too!
ReplyDeleteBob is very lucky to have such a wonderfully understanding Mum. For those of us who do not analyse everything so thoroughly, it can be hard to know where to draw the line between odd and unacceptable behaviours. And maybe they will grow out of stuff - though my little fella seems to be still growing into behaviours!
ReplyDeleteHaha to watching the credits, we now never switch the channel until the credits are over on a programme!! In our house we do it our way and I am not a hugely social type myself. I haven't worried too much about the rest of it because, well, I just haven't! I thought that was sheer laziness on my part though, but maybe now I can pass it off as something more acceptable lol. Jen
ReplyDelete@ Lora, I think it's one of those things that takes a while to realise
ReplyDelete@ BlueSky, I do analyse a bit...I thinbk it's no accident that "anal" is part of that word
@ Jen, of course you're not lazy (!!!)...you're just ....loving, accepting and gorgeous XXX
Thinking about this a lot today. As you know I am so Autistic myself I don't really give a flying fook about conforming - especially within our house. If the kids wanted to hang upside down like bats to watch sesame street in Arabic I would probably join them. I am also pretty thick skinned about the outside world - trying to strike a balance between giving my kids the ability to be accepted for who they are, while maintaining other peoples comfort levels too. Flapping is a private activity - which takes place in the middle of the empty cinema while the final credits are rolling and all the staff are leaning on brooms waiting to clean up the popcorn!
ReplyDeleteI actually get really bolshie about people forcing their own shit on to their kids. I mean, if you really really wanted a girl, but had another boy - would it be okay to dress him in smocks and cullottes and force him to play with Barbies? And yet you read all the time about people forcing their kids to go to a panto in the middle of christmas season, or shopping in a busy supermarket or to Eddie Rockets on a Sunday Lunchtime. And then wonder why they had a "meltdown"
It is their shit they need to deal with - not their kids. Being an autistic kid is difficult, you don't know what the hell is going on a lot of the time - why should you have to be the one to always learn everyone else's culture? Let them travel to you for a change.
Try running through an Art Gallery and only stopping to flap at the interesting pictures before sliding off again. Try only eating the outside of a chip, or the chocolate chunks out of cookie. Eating Yaki Udon with your fingers, or watching Sesame Street in Spanish. Playing in empty playgrounds on rainy days, swimming in empty indoor pools on sunny days, taking your holidays in the first week of June and staying home in August, going to the early showing of a movie at the cinema in the last week of release or even better NOT EATING DRIED OUT TURKEY and watching DEPRESSING SOAP OPERAS IN AN OVER HEATED ROOM at your Granny's house on Christmas day. Or drinking Nicholas Fuillatte on a Wednesday Night.
You might like it too.
Slainte! xx
Wow what an excellent post! I too have come to that conclusion a while back. I'm happier to let him be himself and I simply don't agree with the social skills approach his service would encourage us to follow. My son learns in his own way and from materials that may be not be recommended. He's into computers , YouTube and DVDs but I dont care because it works and he is happy. These kids have a right to be who they are and not just what society expects them to be
ReplyDeleteInteresting post, Jean. I was thinking about this subject over Christmas with the extra social pressure on my little one. Interesting that any social situation he was uncomfortable in was mirrored by us as adults, so a collective 'Get us outta here' was performed.
ReplyDeleteI agree we have to help them conform but sometimes I feel I am teaching him to lie.
'Say thank you for the nice present', but its horrible etc...
Love your hall light, Elton, eat your heart out!
A great post Jean. I used to feel under a lot of pressure to get my kids to conform socially but it is so difficult for them. Now I'm a lot more laid back and accept them for what they are though I do try and teach them basic social skills/manners (not always successfully). My sons honesty gets us into a pickle many a time!
ReplyDelete@ Hammie....bolshie??...you???
ReplyDelete@ Popsie, happiness is what we all strive for, so I agree that we shouldn't take that away from out kids
@ Brigid, lying is an interesting one. We teach our kids that it is wrong, and yet we do it All The Time...you got me thinking now...
@ Aspie, I reckon where we're at as parnets has much to do with it. We need to fully accept our kids as they are in order to expect everyone else to accept them
XXX
Couldnt agree more!
ReplyDelete"It's actually deeply disrespectful of who he is."
ReplyDeleteThat's the crux of it. How many kids try to serve both the social master and "just be themselves?" How often do parents of typically developing children have to remind them that they can "just be themselves?"
Yet, with auties, so much of life is the reverse. The overwhelming message is "don't be yourself."
Parents shouldn't be part of that. As the parent of both autistic children and a typically developing child, I have to say they are wonderful as themselves. It's when they're not themselves that most problems begin.
@ Cadok, lovely to hear from you
ReplyDelete@ Stephanie, that's a very important point...that problems arise when we try to supress who our kids really are
XXX
I think I may be in the minority on this thread. You know, I'm of two minds here. On one hand, I completely agree that we should let our kids be who they are and not impose our expectations on them. On the other hand, I feel like other people will not be as understanding as we are, and my son deserves to be armed with all the tools he needs to be successful in the world.
ReplyDeleteIdeally, it would be great if he could learn social skills the way one would learn another language--at home, he can speak his "native language" and behave the way that feels natural to him. When he's at work or in public, he'll be able to communicate in "their" language.
Obviously he's too young to do this at 4, and I would never expect him to, but as an adult, I want his life to be easier. Knowing how to behave like others will help him in life, whether we approve of the world's judgment or not. He can choose whether or not he feels like using these skills, but I feel obligated to provide the knowledge. It doesn't mean I don't love and fully accept him, but I know others who didn't give birth to him might be less appreciative of his unique personality.
Absolutely have your back on this one...Home is where the "EEEEEE" is and other things..I figure as long as they are dressed and not treading on anyone elses personal space-let them be. I teach them manners-because I think they are nice..I also teach them to accept everyone else for who they are as well..I love the disco ball decor!!
ReplyDelete@ Pamela, there's a fine line. But I'd like to teach my dude social skills that are useful for him, not ones to make other people less uncomfortable. I have no doubt that many other people will never accept our special kids, but that's their problem. I think it's a real struggle for us parents.
ReplyDelete@ Kathleen, your comment really made me laugh...there's loads of "EEEEEEEEEEEing!!!" in our house.
Thanks for your comments girls.
XXX
Pamela,
ReplyDeleteI guess I see a significance between teaching social skills and forcing change. A skill, once taught, is something that can be used or not at the individual's discretion. In our house (and outside of it) we try to give the boys social cues in a way they understand, like reminding them to say "hi!" (for those who talk). But there are no consequences for choosing not to say "hi," whether we're home or not. The same is true for other social skills (as per the boys' individual developmental levels); we teach them the skill, but don't enforce it's use. We equip them to socialize, but don't force them to be more social than they choose to be.
@ Pamela, that seems like a really healthy outlook XXX
ReplyDeleteThis is such a great post. And you are such a great mom. Have you read Look Me In The Eye by John Elder Robinson? I think you would really enjoy it. He talks a lot about being forced to fit in and the good, and bad, it did for him as an Aspie.
ReplyDeleteI haven't come across that particular book but I'll keep my eyes peeled XXX
ReplyDelete